Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A GENTLE MAN IS HARD TO FIND ( Good Men are Everywhere)

Originally a stage play written by Reverend David Payton that went on tour and did very successful, A Good Man is Hard to Find is about the lives of three women involved with men on different levels. The lead couple is a preacher who has a wife who is very ungrateful for her husband. Like most preachers he spends a lot of time involved in church activities. She becomes so self-centered that she begins to neglect her son and eventually has an affair with her boss. Due to the success of the play it was adapted into a movie starring Golden Brooks, Deborah Cox, Darrin Dewitt Henson, and Hill Harper. The movie debuted in 2008 and went straight to DVD. By the end of the movie it was believed that the husband and wife would stay together despite her affair and Brooks’ character changed her mind about what a good man really is.
A quote said quite too often by women who are trying to comfort a female friend and said by single women who want a man or have just been done wrong by a man, “A good man is hard to find”. Not that I go searching for good men, but I am a good man and I have some male friends who fall into the good man category as well. I started thinking recently though after having a conversation with a female friend. She has only had three relationships in her life and all three were with bad boys who were complete losers but she wanted to stick by them in hopes to show she was faithful and dedicated, not a gold digger, and she also thought she could change them, or rather help them change. After talking to her I took my dog for a walk and ran into a female neighbor of mine who is about my age, I stopped to help her with her bags, and she then proceeded to thank me by rubbing my chest and inviting me upstairs to her apartment. I politely declined and this woman flipped out on me. She asked me why I am such an uptight person and told me that it wouldn’t hurt to live a little. I declined her offer for two reasons, one I had my dog with me and she has a dog and two and the most important reason I don’t think that an appropriate “thank you” is having casual sex which was meant in her hint when she touched my chest in the long version of the pectoral test that some women give to men.
This all made me think though, do some women really know what a good man is, what a gentleman is, or when they are pushing him away. I have a very close friend, and while I would never call him a gentleman I would say he is a good man. This is a fun loving, ambitious, respectful, and caring individual. He has dated before and usually only entertains long term relationships. While my friend has a few flaws that of being a party boy sometimes and still finding himself he is a good man. Really I must elaborate this friend is twenty-three years old so I wouldn’t really say “finding himself” is that much of a flaw; twenty-three is still young and many adults that age still haven’t fully found themselves. Overall though when we were in college together he was viewed more so like the party friend by girls. If they were going to have a party he was normally the second or third name on the list but he often never fell on the boyfriend list even when he was single.
I on the other hand am a gentleman. I wrote a blog about that a little while back but one thing associated with being a gentleman is that is takes work. Being a gentleman isn’t all that common these days but it’s rewarding to me and the lady I will marry one day. I am a gentleman in the language I use, the beliefs I carry, the responsibilities I take on, and the way I treat women. My neighbor recently made it seem like I am uptight which is when I informed her that it takes work to be a gentleman. One thing a gentleman never does is engage in meaningless sex. I have had moments of seeing a woman in need and didn’t want to stop to help, but I would because it’s the right thing to do, or I was in a hurry and didn’t feel like holding the door for a woman behind me, but once again I would. Being a gentleman is hard work that can sometimes be unrewarding in present day’s society where life for a man is about being a thug and life for a woman is being an independent woman and if he isn’t Mr. Perfect move on to the next.
Woman should be independent, but not to the extent that they confuse being a strong woman with being an island. In high school the girls would date the bad boy types, in college, girls would date the bad boy types, and now that college is over I have a friend who is still stuck in that rut. We had a conversation about why she thinks her boyfriend isn’t too bad and I was very confused on the points she brought up and how she could believe that meant he was ok. My friend has never wanted to be seen as a gold digger and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t like gold diggers, but at the same time her boyfriend, who is about ten years older, lives with his brother in a two bedroom apartment and is poor. A poor man doesn’t have to worry about a woman being with him for his money. I let her know that was actually sign number one he wasn’t a good man. A good man and of a course a gentleman don’t mind spending some money on the woman he is pursing. A bad man, however, does. She continues to believe that he will come around and be a Christian despite how much disrespect he throws out when she prays. That is sign number two that he is not a good man. While a mate isn’t required to fully understand or believe the same thing as their mate they are required to fully respect it though because that means that they have respect for their mate. Sign number three though that he is not a good man is the fact that he can’t work on himself. No good man, or good woman for that matter, says this negative trait is just me accept it or move on. Meaning no good person says I have an anger management problem so deal with it.
While woman may say a good man is hard to find I believe that a good man is easy to find, a gentleman is hard to find. I think that in today’s times women don’t know what a good man is. This is part of what is messing up gender expectations. When women don’t know what a good man is then good men begin to doubt themselves and feel as though they need to conform and change to fit the expectations. Once they have that walk on the wild side those good men just don’t return back from the walk. For the good men out there stay on track your time will come, for the gentlemen out there holdfast, it may take work to be a gentleman but the rewards are enormous, and for the women out there carefully think about what you call a good man the traits and characteristics you want him to hold. I leave on this note you can’t have a PhD man with a Tupac personality.

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