A GENTLE MAN IS HARD TO FIND ( Good Men are Everywhere)

Originally a stage play written by Reverend David Payton that went on tour and did very successful, A Good Man is Hard to Find is about the lives of three women involved with men on different levels. The lead couple is a preacher who has a wife who is very ungrateful for her husband. Like most preachers he spends a lot of time involved in church activities. She becomes so self-centered that she begins to neglect her son and eventually has an affair with her boss. Due to the success of the play it was adapted into a movie starring Golden Brooks, Deborah Cox, Darrin Dewitt Henson, and Hill Harper. The movie debuted in 2008 and went straight to DVD. By the end of the movie it was believed that the husband and wife would stay together despite her affair and Brooks’ character changed her mind about what a good man really is.
A quote said quite too often by women who are trying to comfort a female friend and said by single women who want a man or have just been done wrong by a man, “A good man is hard to find”. Not that I go searching for good men, but I am a good man and I have some male friends who fall into the good man category as well. I started thinking recently though after having a conversation with a female friend. She has only had three relationships in her life and all three were with bad boys who were complete losers but she wanted to stick by them in hopes to show she was faithful and dedicated, not a gold digger, and she also thought she could change them, or rather help them change. After talking to her I took my dog for a walk and ran into a female neighbor of mine who is about my age, I stopped to help her with her bags, and she then proceeded to thank me by rubbing my chest and inviting me upstairs to her apartment. I politely declined and this woman flipped out on me. She asked me why I am such an uptight person and told me that it wouldn’t hurt to live a little. I declined her offer for two reasons, one I had my dog with me and she has a dog and two and the most important reason I don’t think that an appropriate “thank you” is having casual sex which was meant in her hint when she touched my chest in the long version of the pectoral test that some women give to men.
This all made me think though, do some women really know what a good man is, what a gentleman is, or when they are pushing him away. I have a very close friend, and while I would never call him a gentleman I would say he is a good man. This is a fun loving, ambitious, respectful, and caring individual. He has dated before and usually only entertains long term relationships. While my friend has a few flaws that of being a party boy sometimes and still finding himself he is a good man. Really I must elaborate this friend is twenty-three years old so I wouldn’t really say “finding himself” is that much of a flaw; twenty-three is still young and many adults that age still haven’t fully found themselves. Overall though when we were in college together he was viewed more so like the party friend by girls. If they were going to have a party he was normally the second or third name on the list but he often never fell on the boyfriend list even when he was single.
I on the other hand am a gentleman. I wrote a blog about that a little while back but one thing associated with being a gentleman is that is takes work. Being a gentleman isn’t all that common these days but it’s rewarding to me and the lady I will marry one day. I am a gentleman in the language I use, the beliefs I carry, the responsibilities I take on, and the way I treat women. My neighbor recently made it seem like I am uptight which is when I informed her that it takes work to be a gentleman. One thing a gentleman never does is engage in meaningless sex. I have had moments of seeing a woman in need and didn’t want to stop to help, but I would because it’s the right thing to do, or I was in a hurry and didn’t feel like holding the door for a woman behind me, but once again I would. Being a gentleman is hard work that can sometimes be unrewarding in present day’s society where life for a man is about being a thug and life for a woman is being an independent woman and if he isn’t Mr. Perfect move on to the next.
Woman should be independent, but not to the extent that they confuse being a strong woman with being an island. In high school the girls would date the bad boy types, in college, girls would date the bad boy types, and now that college is over I have a friend who is still stuck in that rut. We had a conversation about why she thinks her boyfriend isn’t too bad and I was very confused on the points she brought up and how she could believe that meant he was ok. My friend has never wanted to be seen as a gold digger and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t like gold diggers, but at the same time her boyfriend, who is about ten years older, lives with his brother in a two bedroom apartment and is poor. A poor man doesn’t have to worry about a woman being with him for his money. I let her know that was actually sign number one he wasn’t a good man. A good man and of a course a gentleman don’t mind spending some money on the woman he is pursing. A bad man, however, does. She continues to believe that he will come around and be a Christian despite how much disrespect he throws out when she prays. That is sign number two that he is not a good man. While a mate isn’t required to fully understand or believe the same thing as their mate they are required to fully respect it though because that means that they have respect for their mate. Sign number three though that he is not a good man is the fact that he can’t work on himself. No good man, or good woman for that matter, says this negative trait is just me accept it or move on. Meaning no good person says I have an anger management problem so deal with it.
While woman may say a good man is hard to find I believe that a good man is easy to find, a gentleman is hard to find. I think that in today’s times women don’t know what a good man is. This is part of what is messing up gender expectations. When women don’t know what a good man is then good men begin to doubt themselves and feel as though they need to conform and change to fit the expectations. Once they have that walk on the wild side those good men just don’t return back from the walk. For the good men out there stay on track your time will come, for the gentlemen out there holdfast, it may take work to be a gentleman but the rewards are enormous, and for the women out there carefully think about what you call a good man the traits and characteristics you want him to hold. I leave on this note you can’t have a PhD man with a Tupac personality.

A KNIGHT TO REMEMBER (Being a Gentleman)

Sir Galahad, a character from Arthurian literature, was the illegitimate son of Sir Lancelot and Lady Elaine of Corbenic. When he was born he was placed under the care his paternal great aunt and grew up at the nunnery. Once he became an adult, his father knighted him and took him to Camelot. At the Royal Court, Galahad sat in the “Siege Perilous”. This was a seat reserved by God for the purest of knights. King Arthur also sat in this seat many years earlier. Like King Arthur, Sir Galahad drew a sword from a stone, only Galahad’s message proclaimed him to be the “World’s Best Knight”. After setting out for and beholding the Holy Grail, Sir Galahad requested to die and his request was granted. In his death, Sir Galahad became known as the “Perfect Knight”. He was said to be perfect in courage, gentleness, courtesy, and chivalry. Sir Galahad is known the world over for his gallantry and purity.
Sir Galahad is perhaps the first and best example of what a gentleman should be. Despite the way he came into the world Sir Galahad became so much more and to so many people. Sir Galahad recognized that being a gentleman is more than a full time job; it’s a way of life. It seems that in modern day being a gentleman has fallen by the wayside. In today’s time chivalry means nothing, the good guy finishes last, and the “thug” is the in thing for a male to be. It goes deeper than that though, men aren’t taught to be gentlemen these days.
So many people do not understand that to be a gentleman means more than just being born a man. Being a gentleman is a lifestyle that for the true gentleman, never changes. At one time in history, back when the man, or the husband, or the husband and father were head of the household they taught their sons that it’s not only ok to have morals and values, but it’s expected of a man to possess and demonstrate them. Often times, morals and values come from religion. Sadly, in the world we live in today, religion is not socially acceptable to talk about, prayer has been removed from schools, and religion has turned into simply attending a building one or two days a week. If morals and values are normally derived from a person’s religion, then it’s time to get back to the basics and be proud of one’s religious heritage. Once you are proud of that then you will automatically begin to live with good morals and values.
Next, is being a leader. A gentleman cannot stand on the side lines while others dictate and just hope everything turns out alright. While a leader must be a follower first, you wouldn’t have the more qualified person following a beginner. A gentleman is supposed to be a leader in his church, community, work, and home. President Obama is currently doing a good job of demonstrate an important characteristic of being a leader, being a good role model. While it’s no secret that President Obama smoked he cut down and quit to show Americans that smoking is a bad addiction to have and that a person shouldn’t smoke. In order to be a role model you have to live a life that people admire and would want to live themselves. Most of the better leaders in life are usually role models. A man must be a good role model and leader to fit the role of gentleman.
While pop culture has elevated the status of a pimp from villain to hero, a gentleman must treat women in a better manner than being a womanizer, disrespectful, or equal. A true gentleman doesn’t date and sleep with more than one woman at a time. To take that a step further gentlemen refrain from engaging in casual sex in the first place. A gentleman treats a woman, all women, no matter the status as a lady. That means no abuse of any kind, no profanity or vulgarity of any kind in front of them, opening doors for them, going down stairs in front of them and up the stairs behind them. Treating a woman like a lady is no small task, especially if the woman is more of a harlot. By treating a woman like a lady regardless of if she is or not this shows other men that they can do it too. It also goes a step further; by treating women better they start to act better. Presently, women are treated any kind of way and because of that they act any kind of way. Treating a woman like a lady is one thing a man must also treat men like gentlemen and be polite and courteous. Men also act the way they feel they have been treated. It never hurts to say a polite “excuse me” for accidently bumping into someone rather than give the individual a dirty look and in a rude way tell one to move. Yet once again, because of the times we live in today being polite and courteous is perceived as being weak and timid. It’s a shame that a person must be rude to be taken seriously and must degrade a woman to get her attention. Yet, a true gentleman must stay on track and steadfast to being a gentleman.
Lastly, a gentleman must always watch his temper and language. Attitude is everywhere these days. People seem to think if they show a little bit of attitude that they will get their way. This is demonstrated when a customer tries to return something that is past the return deadline, when a customer’s food comes out a little late or not properly cooked, and even just in traffic and someone cuts the other driver off. A gentleman knows attitude doesn’t get him anyway. Words do a lot more but only if used properly. Even while being upset a gentleman must refrain from profanity. When I was younger I was told the only acceptable time it is ok to curse is to demonstrate extreme emotion. I have since changed my mind on that. I refrain completely from certain words because they aren’t needed in life and because they aren’t the Lord’s will. I think though, that if a word is used sparingly and for an extreme reason, and only around other men then it is tolerable. Overall though temper and language must constantly be monitored. Whatever a gentleman does someone will always see or hear and remember.
Honestly, it takes so much to be a gentleman. After all if it were easy every man would be a gentleman. What is going to happen though is both men and women are going to not only have to see a need for gentleman but they are going to have to accept them and take the “thug” off of the pedestal. A gentleman must have character, knowledge and wisdom, morals and values, emotional control, and so much more. I recognize that I can’t control or change anyone else except for myself. Although sometimes it is hard I know I will remain a gentleman in all that I do. I will do my best to show young men how to be a gentleman and why go down that path instead of an easier path. Being a gentleman is not for all, it’s not easy, but it’s a decision I will stick to and encourage others to do the same.